SPOUSES SHOULD ALWAYS RECALL "HOW DID JESUS - GOD LOVES US?

*   Freely : "No one takes my life from me., I lay it down on my own."

*  Fully (Unconditionally): "I give myself to you without reservation: body ,soul                                               and divinity"
*  Faithfully : "I will be with you always, until the end of time."

*   Fruitfully:  "I have laid down my life so that my bride may have life and have                           it to the   full."

STRONG MARRIAGE

If a family begins with a marriage, a strong family begins with a strong marriage. A marriage can only be strong if each spouse gives 150%. A good marriage is selfless and without sin , therefore no artificial contraception, nor even the desire to regulate children, unless there is a grave reason. Children    are no   longer something to try to avoid for a certain time, but rather they became the blessings, the gifts from God that they were meant to be. Gifts to be enjoyed and loved. The marriage provides the initial example; it is the first teacher, and it sets the tone for what a child sees as normal life. Parents must have a hap[py (although not perfect) marriage. Let our Lord fill the voids with His love. The closer they are to living with faith and God's Will,the happier they will be. Have you ever seen a selfish person be happy? Or an angry person?

FORGIVENESS HAS POWER TO TRANSFORM OUR LIVES

                                                                 Fr. Johann Christoph Arnold

The forgiveness of sins that Jesus offers is so powerful that it will change a person's life completely. Everything that makes us fearful or isolated, everything impure and deceitful, will yield if we give ourselves to him. What is up will come down, and what is down will come up.This change will start in the innermost heart of our being, and then both our inner and outer life, including all our relationships. will be transformed.

Whether or not a person has been transformed in this way shows up most plainly when he or she faces death. Those who have been at the bedside of a dying person will know how absolute, how final in its significance, is each person's inner relationship with God. They know that in the end, when the last breaths are drawn, this bond is the only thing that counts. It is the life - task of every person to prepare to meet God. Jesus tells us how to do this when he says, "Whatever you do for the least of them you do for me." He also says, "Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God." I have personally experienced at deathbeds that if a person has lived for others, as Jesus did, then God is very close to him in the last hour. I have also experienced at the hour of death the torment of those who lived selfish and sinful lives.

Every Person can be an instrument of God's Love

In the story of the creation of Adam and Eve it is clear that man and woman were created to help, to support,to compliment each other. What a joy it must have been for God to bring woman to man - and man to woman! Because we are all made in the image of God, in his likeness, we must all find each other in joy and love, whether we are married or not.

By bringing Eve to Adam, God shows all humans their true calling - to be helpers who reveal his love to the world. And by bringing us his son,Jesus, he shows us that he will never leave us lonely or without help. Jesus himself said, "I will not leave you orphaned; I will come to you." He promises us that "the one who has received my commandments and obeys them - he it is who loves me; and he who loves me will be loved by my Father; and I will love him and disclosed myself to him" (John 14:18-21).

Who can understand the depth of these words and the hope they bring to our troubled world? The loneliest, most discouraged, disillusioned people may be assured that God will never forsake them. Even if they are unable to find human friendship, they will never be alone as long as they hold on to God. God brought Adam and Eve together to heal their loneliness and to set them free from their one-sidedness, and he has the same plan for every man and woman he brings together in marriage.

Yet marriage in itself cannot bring wholeness. Unless we abide in Christ, we will bear no fruit. When we love him who alone is our support, our hope, and our life, we can be secure in knowing and loving one another, But if we isolate ourselves inwardly from Christ,nothing will go well. He alone holds everything together and gives us access to God and to others (Col.1:17-20).

God is the source and the object of true love

Marriage is not the highest goal of life. God's image is reflected most brightly and completely where there is love first for him and then for our brothers and sisters. In true Christian marriage, then the husband will lead his wife and children not to himself, but to God. In the same way, a wife will support her husband as a helper,and together they will lead their children to honour them as father and mother, and to love God as their creator. To be a helper to another on God's behalf is not just an obligation, but a gift. How different   our relationships would be if  we rediscoved this! We live in a time when fear and mistrust grip us everywhere we go. Where is love, the love that builds community and the church?

There are two kinds of love. One is turned selflessly toward others and their well-being. The other is possessive and limited to the ego. Augustine says, "Love is the self of the soul, the hand of the soul. When it holds one thing, it cannot hold something else. If it is to hold what one gives it, it has to put down what it is holding." God's love desires nothing. It gives and sacrifices itself, for this is its joy.

Love always has its roots in God. May God grant that the power of his love grips anew. It will lead us to others, to share our lives with them. More than that, it will lead us to the kingdom. Love is the secret of God's coming kingdom.

UNDERSTANDING PSYCHO MEDICAL CHALLENGES IN MARRIAGE

For the past two decades swift, sweeping, scientific, cultural, technological changes and globalization have impacted the family and rendered it vulnerable. The current state of decline in society can largely be traced to the lack of importance attached to the well-being of humanity. But attacks both subtle and overt have led to the increasing breakdown of marriage and family. Hence we see families faced with various pressures and challenges that render the family dysfunction and prevent the growth of family life and strengthening of the spousal bond. My task through this presentation is to place before you the source of psycho- medical challenges, the signs of these challenges and the possible strategies so that this awareness may empower couples strengthen the spousal bond and doing so, build family which is the sanctuary of life, love and communion.

the psycho- medical challenges that prevent intimacy and life-giving relationships could be broadly classified as Internal factors within the spousal bond and External factors beyond the spousal bond.


INTERNAL FACTORS- INTRAPERSONAL


FAMILY OF ORIGIN :  Our family of origin has great impact on our identity and communication. The unique person that I am has its roots in the family of origin because we wrote our life scripts there. These scripts depended on how we were loved, accepted, understood and affirmed by our caregivers. We also  learnt  patterns of communication in our family. that is precisely why family is the first school of relationships. the family of origin impacts our ability to love, to communicate and to contribute to the spousal relationship

SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION :  Sexual dysfunction is defined as difficulty during any stage of the process of sexual intercourse,. It has to do either with Inhibited sexual desire, Inhibited Sexual arousal, Inhibited orgasm and painful sexual intercourse, which prevents the spouses from enjoying Sexual or physical intimacy.

Inhibited Sexual Desire also referred to as libido is a crisis that arises  from physical or psychological factors. It presents a lack or absence of interest in sexual activity. Contributing factors include non- acceptance of sexuality as a gift, anxiety, job related stress, financial loans, unresolved spousal conflicts and self image issues. Inhibited sexual desire could result through the use of medication. the common side effect of combined oral contraceptives and the use of anti- depressants, hypertensive drugs and mood stabilizers have shown a decrease in sexual desire. Depression also has a profound effect on sexual intimacy. 75% of those with depression cause sexual dysfunction.

Inhibited Sexual Arousal is understood as the failure to achieve erection despite strong sexual desire. Erectile dysfunction is a common sign and manifests in the male as failure to achieve and maintain an erection long enough to facilitate penetration . Erectile dysfunction is often associated with Vascular disease and Diabetes Mellitus. Performance anxiety may result in inhibited sexual arousal. Premature Ejaculation features within this and is responsible  for great spousal stress since the basic need of sexual intimacy is not met. Inhibited orgasm hinders sexual  arousal and is often brought about by fear, embarrassment, untreated anger, stress, traumatic sexual  experiences of the past as in child sexual abuse, social  conditioning  (Sex is for procreation only) and deeply entrenched taboos (sex is dirty). Painful sexual intercourse is seen in women in the form of  Vaginimus  and  dysparunia  both  of which should be understood and treated.


SYMPTOMS

In ability to feel aroused and lack of interest. Relational / psychological problems / hormonal problems.

                                    MEN                                                            WOMEN
1 . Delay / absence of ejaculation despite                          1. Burning or pain in vulva / vagina
despite stimulation                                                            
2.  Inability to have an erection                                         2.  Inability to reach orgasm.
3.  In ability to control timing of ejaculation                       3. Inability to relax vaginal muscles
4   Inability to sustain erection adequately for                     for intercourse
intercourse.                                                                       4. Inadequate vaginal lubrication.


TREATMENT :

Accurate Understanding of Sexuality as a quality of personality. A Holistic approach to Intimacy as a process

Call you doctor if symptoms persist

Medication to treat root cause

Hormonal replacement in therapy  (deficiency )

Behavioral therapy

Couple therapy- inter-persona issues / conflicts

Psycho-therapy to address anxiety fear and inhibitions.a- personal

Intra-personal  factors.........Psycho- medical challenges.....infertility and diseases.

Physical deficiency in form of disease , accidents , metabolic disorders , hormonal deficiencies ,birth defects (Klinefelter syndrome , Cryptoorchidism ) absence of organs , pelvic inflammatory  disease ectopic pregnancy all contribute to infertility and are a major source of stress in the life of the spouses.

Mental health disorders such as depression, Anxiety disorders, Adjustment disorders , Post-traumatic stress disorders Obsessive compulsive disorders , Paranoia , Bipolar personality disorders incapacitate the individuals and prevent them from entering fully and responding to the demands of an adult relationship .

Interpersonal Challenges

The family system needs a marriage. A marriage can work if partners work together, fulfill each other's "needs and create a climate in which both can grow. Marriage therapist believe   that spouses can eliminate stress if    they confront and communicate their need to the other.

Common areas of conflict in spousal relationship:

Differences :   Marriage brings together two people with varying backgrounds , personalities, desires, views and priorities in the most intimate relationship possible for the rest of their life. when they live together these differences do not go away...in fact they come alive. How the couple understands or deals with these differences either builds or destroys the relationship.


Communication :  The patterns of communication learnt in the family of origin effects the quality of spousal communication. It is important that both spouses learn to use patterns that aid communication. and abandon those that are hazardous or destructive.


Time together :  Time management may be defined as the art of planning your time to fulfill your goals. Regardless of what your priorities are you need time together when you can physically and emotionally be available to each other. This will build both verbal as well as non-verbal  communication . Time together facilities communication and commitment to the relationship. Spouses who fit in daily or weekly rituals find it easier to live out their marriage in  life - giving way as well as contribute the well being of  their family.


Finance :  Money is a major contributory factor to couple discord . A dispute over money is symptomatic of deeper emotional problems or it could be seen as a means of control . The most important value is that spouses talk about themselves in relationship to money. Their relationship is important If possessions gain far more importance they will probably lose sight of love and intimacy along the way. Big financial secrets ruin the marriage for it violates trust..


Expectations :  Marriage is an opportunity to share life with another. This is truly one of life's greatest gift. What really damages that gift are our high expectations. The higher your expectation the more difficult your interaction with each other will be.


Resolving Conflicts :  To presume that partners will go through life without disagreement or arguments is idealistic, even naive. Be careful not to make the disagreement into a contest where one wins and the other loses. Let the relationship be the winner.

EXTERNAL FACTORS:

The economy of Migration:
In the light of the economic situation spouse/ parents leave families behind to look for jobs that offer greater compensation but at the price of stability of their spousal bond, the proper maturation of their children who are deprived  of the guidance and love of their parents at the most impressionable years  of their life.

Mass Media:
 Most programs in the mass media are engineered to change our attitude towards relationships and sexuality. They are designed to break down sexual inhibitions, invalidate traditional values, destroys parental and family trust and have for reaching consequences changing the mind, morals and motivation of an entire generation.

Technology :
We live in an age where speed is the essence of life. We  have no time to listen, to dialogue, to reflect. We have lost the ability to be still.Speed has and is destroying relationships, marriages and families because we want immediate results/ happiness/ solutions/ peace/understanding/ compatibility. Technology has recreated the way we live and subsequently the need to always use things and people for our own convenience.

Challenges at the work place:
The family today is under pressure with working and children away from the university. The Family has little time for togetherness and bonding rituals. But perhaps the greater challenge is at the workplace, with changing work culture that demands more time and dedication. We are moving into a generation where our colleagues and work performance, social status and career opportunities are prioritized over spouse and family. This threatens the spousal bond. If spouses do not set boundaries for themselves it is not difficult to have significant others at the workplaces, who meet your emotional needs. Infidelity is the end result held with the value of relativism.Often the role of being a good provider takes precedence over being a faithful spouse or loving parent.

Influence of extended Family:
Marriage  is a significant decision in the life of adult which triggers a re-orientation in the list of one's priorities. It is a process of adjustment as well" Adjustment implies that all things/ persons will fade   in importance when compared with the welfare or well being of one's  spouse/ marriage commitment. The spouse be the first priority. Only then can one  enter fully, freely faithfully and fruitfully in to relationship.

Dealings with Psycho- medical challenges calls for:

Awareness:  To foster awareness of the internal/ external/family of origin stressors that exist.

Acceptance: Dysfunction can be worked on with great success. Spouses accept their own area of dysfunction
Action         : Commit to make the spousal band a priority.
                   : Identify       and work through Stressors (internal and external)
                   : Build the spousal relationship through communication and couple prayer.
                     Sustain the spousal bond through Rituals and connect.
                      Family prayer/ Family Catechesis

Dealings with Psycho-Medical Challenges calls for:

AWARENESS :  To foster awareness of the internal / external / family of origin stressors that exist.

ACCEPTANCE : Dysfunction can be  worked on with great success. Spouses accept their own area of dysfunction

Action                : Commit to make the spousal bond a priority.
                          : Identify and work through Stressors ( internal and external )
                          : Build the spousal relationship through communication and couple prayer.
                           Sustain the spousal bond through Rituals that connect.
                           Family Prayer / Family Catechesis
 

Culture of Death

In March 1995, Pope John Paul II spoke of a profound " crisis of culture" which was against the world....marriage and family. A mentally against life enhancing culture, which he called as " Culture of Death ...."
The phrase "culture of life" is described by Catholic moral theologians as a philosophy that human life, at all stages from conception through to natural death, is sacred. As such , a "culture of  life>> is claimed to be opposed to practices seen by its proponents as destructive of human life., often including embryonic stem cell research, abortion, euthanasia, contraception, sex outside marriage, capital punishment, greed, degradation, sadistic humiliation , narcissism,selfishness, poverty and war. The "culture of death" degrades the human person and encourages a mentality that devalues the institution of marriage and family. When it comes to human relationships, the human  person is degraded into an object of pleasure, and the sanctity of marriage is not valued thus giving approval to pre-marital sex and extra-marital affairs.

Changes in Language Instituted by the Culture of Death

       *      Pre-Marital Sex is now called co- habitation
       *      Contraception methods - reproductive health products
       *      Abortion - woman's health issue
       *      Euthanasia - death with dignity
       *      Pornography - sexually explicit material
       *      Child molestation - Inter - generational love
       *      Promiscuity - serial monogamy
       *      Adultery - flexible monogamy
       *      Partner in adultery - significant other
       *      Bestiality - interspecies love

We are called to give witness to love and life in these challenging times when the " culture of death " mentality is challenging the very foundation of the Christian understanding of the human person, marriage and family

The Church is a mother and loves her children and wants the best for you, as a mother she has duty to teach the Truth to her children. When we talk about Catholic Morality we need to keep these thoughts in mind that the Church teaches as a mother.

Catholic Morality is about Life

Our Lord Jesus said, " I come that may they have life, and have it abundantly.>>(John 10:10).
Faith and baptism give us new life in Christ. That life involves far more than simply following a set of rules.
It is about living as free human beings not tied down by any bondages and making LOVE our fundamental option.

Morality is a call to recognize our dignity as men who have received a free gift of new life in Christ. We must live accordingly. Our Lord Jesus himself clearly taught us the first principles of Catholic morality: " You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.>> ( Mt 22: 37-40 )

Love , or charity, is the great commandment of the Lord.

Love of God and love of neighbor are the source & summary of  Cattholic morality. " All the law and the prophets " flow from this starting point.

This means that what love requires is the essence of all moral rules, all of the Ten Commandments, and all aspects of morality spoken of by the Christ and Church Tradition down the ages. The only things needed are those things which love makes necessary.

Our Fundamental Vocation is to Love

Catholic morality should be understood in the context of our vocation to love.God created man in His own image and likeness: calling him to existence in love, through love and for love. Therefore. LOVE is our fundamental vocation. Two specific ways of realizing this vocation to love. single life ( virginity/ celibacy ) or Marriage. Marriage is the vocation of the Majority of the people.

Some terms:

There are certain terms we need to be familiar with when we talk about Christian Morality in Relationship.
CHASTITY : Living in a world with a growing hedonistic our mentality, we draw attention to the value of
Chastity, Chastity / celibacy is not a value to be witnessed  only by priest and nuns but all Christians.
Catholicism defines chastity as the virtue that moderates the sexual appetite ( Summa Theologia 1-11 q. 60 a. 5) . Unmarried Catholics express chastity through sexual abstinence.
Sexual intercourse within marriage is considered chaste when it retains the twofold significance of unity and procreation. [Humanae Vitae [HV] . 12)
CHASTITY as a moral virtue regulates the use of one's sexuality in such a way that the"I" can encounter the particular "thou" validly and lovingly, abstaining from sexual dealings will harm the encounter.


SEXUALITY: Sexuality is not something related only to the body, but something that affects the whole person
in the depth of his/her "I" is discovered. We have genetic and generic component of our sexuality, and Generic- affective and personal dimension.

What do couples pledge to the Altar?

" I . ..come before you  freely and without reservation [fully]....and I promise to be faithful...open to the children
that God wants to give us [fruitful]."

                *      Every sexual intercourse is a renewal of the wedding vows taken at the altar.

Spouses should always recall " How did Jesus-God Loves us?"

           *    Freely:  " No one takes my life from me, I lay it down on my own."
           *    Fully [Unconditionally]: " I give myself to you without reservation: body, soul and divinity"
           *    Faithfully: " I will be with you always, until the end of time."
           *    Fruitfully: " I have laid down my life so that my bride may have life and have it to the full."

Christian View of the Human Body

*      Genesis 1: 27, Human beings are created in the image of God

*      Dignity of the human person. God  created man in his own image and likeness (Genesis 1:27 ).

        Hence, body is the medium or sign that reveal God's love , power, goodness etc. therefore,

        body is very sacred.

*      In this context, the vocation and dignity of the human person should be clearly understood.

*     Mature sexual behavior comes from a proper understanding of the sacredness of our sexuality.

 *    Problem today- Morals have been corrupted, modern communication media only adds to this 

       corruption - influence of films, T.V. serials, print media and opinion polls.

*     We need to beware of the influence of   " Hedonistic Culture ".

*      The human person is sacred and not for use and abuse.

*      Sincere intention alone is not enough; life must be based on objective standards.

*      All our relationships should be guided by the universal norm of love.

*      The general and basic principles in this domain are: sex has a finality, which determines its morality.

 Mutual self-giving and procreation make up the finality. 

 This finality is preserve only in marriage. Therefore, genital sex is justified only in marriage and 

 consequently the use of sex outside marriage is immoral.

   

Respecting Relationship Boundaries:

Every human relationship is moderated by " relationship boundaries ". We need to respect persons &
their boundaries. The Church teaches that sexual union is permitted only in a spouses relationship, all sexual encounters outside marriage is immoral. 

1. PRE-MARITAL-SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Entered  by those unmarried or in preparation for marriage.
Why is Pre-Marital Sex Wrong?

1.  They behave as spouses before they become. Sexual intercourse is a  "typical expression",and unique to
     marital union. Hence to perform it they should be married couples.
2.  They distort and reduce the marriage commitment.
*   The decisive act of self - giving and acceptance is valid if expressed in a particular moment
     of time. ( celebration of sacrament)
     This commitment is not a private affair but has to be made publicly.
3.  They point to a false language.
*   Sexual act  is a language which is deep and expressed between two married people.
*   Sexual interaction uses a deep and exclusive language. In PMS they use a language and
     do not mean it. Therefore, it is cheating. They give their bodies but not themselves.
     Therefore no self-giving. It is dissection of the person, they give their bodies but not their inner selves.
4.  They act intentionally against the procreative end of marriage - use of contraception.
5.  One cannot use persons, but only things. The sexual gesture is done without any interior meaning.
6.  Such actions leave in them a deep sense of psychological incompleteness.
*   whole person not involved.
*   develop a ' playboy  and playgirl psychology'.


For those preparing for marriage the Church would say: Genuine Love is tested by its openness to
make sacrifices.

II. Extra - Marital Affairs

Adultery can be Single or Double depending on whether one or both are married.
Why is Extra- Marital Affair  (EMA) wrong?

1.      The word given on the wedding day is a serious word. They contradict the significance of the sexual
         gesture performed with the spouse.
         Sexual gesture points to a reciprocal gift and interior union. Relationship with a third party contradicts it.

2.     Sexual acts in Marriage expresses a fundamental option for the spouse.
        Extra Marital Act directly compromises two persons in reciprocal choice and self- donation

3.     It destroys the intimacy of conjugal dialogue and uniqueness of the sexual language.
*      Human person uses several languages. The sexual gesture is the secret language reserved only for
        spouses. EMA becomes a betrayal of the secret.

4.     Contradicts the basic respect due for a Human person.
*      Person unique and non- exchangable
*      We exchange things but not persons
*      EMA- people regard others not as person but as a partner.


How healthy would a marriage be if the couple were unfaithful to their wedding vows?

In the Domain of Sexuality what is Jesus calling to us

           *    Neither sexual slavery nor sexual repression

          *    But Sexual Redemption

          *    Lust binds us to the true beauty of the human body & of the true marital love.

The Spouses are Ministers

         *    Ministers of Love and Life

         *   Marital COVENANT is a permanent band

         *   The Marital covenant mirrors the DIVINE Covenant The Christ- Church Union

         *   Married couple living sign  in the world

         *   Marriage - a living sign that communicate Permanence, togetherness and happiness